btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
