Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
