So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
