do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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