Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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