Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
