I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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