she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
