apparently the secret to your success is patron
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
