I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
