Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
