was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
