Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
