she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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