I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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