moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
