after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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