You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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