I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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