I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
