i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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