I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
