Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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