On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
