Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
