I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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