I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just forgot I was standing up.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
