I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
