Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
