I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
