Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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