from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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