If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
