FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
