I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
