everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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