My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
