cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
