Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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