just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
