All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
