a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
