guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
