based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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