i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Drunk is a universal language darling
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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