And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
