I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We had sex on a dog bed..
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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