I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
