$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
