two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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