hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
