I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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