I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
